Summer in America means road trips, and I think it’s about time girls and women speak openly about the whole public bathroom issue. I know it’s a rather offensive subject but someone has to start the conversation. Enough is enough. It really isn’t complicated, and yet it seems as if 99% of ladies restrooms are designed by men who don’t have a clue….

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked my husband ‘E’ to veer off the highway (after hours of coffee and Coke) only to re-emerge frantically seconds later with a frown on my face.

Me (slightly shrieking): Totally gross! Need to go somewhere else!

E (dazed and confused): Huh? What’s that supposed to mean?

Me (more than slightly shrieking): Do I have to describe it? Just drive!

On those rare occasions when I do come across an acceptable restroom facility – be it in a restaurant, a theater, or a public park – I let every female in my party know:

Me (whispering loudly): Sue! Lisa! You have to go use the bathroom.

Sue (discretely inquires): Really, is it clean?

Lisa (murmurs): No line?

Me (practically giddy): Not only clean and no line – hand lotion, marble sinks, and the stall doors extend to the floor!

I know boys & men don’t care about public bathrooms and I’m not sure why – maybe it’s one of those cultural quirks implanted at toddlerhood when little guys are encouraged to spell their names in the snow while little girls are taught “to hold it” until they get home. I have to admit, if necessary, I would pay good money to go to the loo in a basically decent receptacle. So what do I (and millions of females) mean by ‘basically decent’?

* LOUD constant fans, because we don’t like noise of any kind in la toilette . . . except for VERY LOUD fans

* Enough locking stalls to service 33% of women present at intermission

* Commodes that flush… and flush after you stand up

* TP

* Dry floors

* Adequate ventilation in addition to the LOUDNESS of the fans

* Soap in the soap dispensers

* And finally, drying capability (whether it be paper towels, blowers, or little ladies with linen napkins) within 3 feet of the sink

We’re not asking for a string quartet and quickie pedicures – although that would be nice – but we would greatly appreciate it if we didn’t have to hold it until we got home.