Elizabeth Atkinson

I confess I’m a major magazine junkie. I’ll read almost anything in magazine form – from Utne to Us – I love it all. However I’ve found I must balance my magazines; consuming too much of one type (like watching an entire season of The Office on dvd) instantly results in burn-out. And like any junkie, what I crave ends up making me feel worse in the end.

This recently happened, as it frequently does, while flying.  It was a Friday evening and I couldn’t wait to grab a stack of trashy magazines and a bag of Lays at the airport rip-off store, and once aboard the 737 order my miniature bottle of rip-off wine.

While I’ve now reached the age where I’ve never even heard of 85% of the “celebrities” covered in these tacky rags, I usually do recognize the famous flavors of the week…thanks to the Today Show.

And let me tell you, this past week was packed with breaking news – so significant that the same 3 stories were repeated throughout my sordid collection.

Just in case you’re out of the loop, here’s last week’s tabloid low-down (dated November 2nd):

1.   Britney is back because her bod is bikini-fit and she can sing again without slurring the lyrics.

2.   Octo-Mom is also back because she lost 145 lbs and is bikini-fit and can speak without slurring her words.

3.   However, Kate and her 8 are not back (sorry Kate), but will soon be once she is fully bikini-fit and stops screaming at her ex-husband, Whatshisname (who, by they way, is reportedly speedo-fit.)

Now, just to be fair, Richard “Heinous” (alleged father of the alleged child who allegedly did not go up in an aluminum foil balloon) was also mentioned repeatedly throughout these lurid journals. However, think what you might, he already looks pretty fit and speaks articulately even when his alleged child is vomiting next to him. So his comeback will have to involve something a little more persuasive – like publicly begging forgiveness and accepting 50 lashes in the town square.

Needless to say, after lots of turbulence, too many potato chips, not enough wine, and an overdose of tawdry zines I felt kinda queasy somewhere over Maryland.  Thank goodness I found an abandoned Newsweek in the seat pocket. ’Cause there’s nothing like the war in Afghanistan and unaffordable health care to cleanse an over-subscribing soul.